remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
