Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
