sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
