its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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