I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
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Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
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Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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