please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
