my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
