the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just want to make out with him forever
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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