So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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