Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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