I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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