come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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