The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
