Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
