Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
