I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just googled if crying burns calories
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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