Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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