She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
