I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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