$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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