Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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