i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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