good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry about my life...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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