I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
