Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
