wakey wakey hands off snakey
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
its liver damage thursday
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
