fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
