i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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