I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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