If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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