he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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