Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
