just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
