I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
