I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
