So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
