I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
