i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
