my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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