know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
