i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he told me I talked like a deaf person
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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