Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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