you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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