I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
