He asked to "fluff my boner.."
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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