Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
