woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
