All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I can't put those talents on a resume
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...