Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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