Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
