If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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