I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
