How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
