im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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