I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
