It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
