Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
